The Melancholy Korean

"Prune?"

"Yes, sir?"

"He's not taking my calls."

"Melancholy disconnected the phone in his room, sir."

"Can you bring the phone up to him?"

"If you insist, sir."

"Yes, Prune. I insist."

"Mell."

"I can't do it, captain."

"I have an idea."

"No."

"Come on, Mell. You don't even know what it is."

"No."

(silence)

"Fine, Mell. Whatever you say."

(silence)

"Have you seen Fannie and Freddie today?"

"I could give a shit, captain."

"It might be game over, Mell. Unbelievable. If the Feds take over the debt, that's like another five trillion added on. The US government would be ten trillion dollars in the hole, Mell!

(silence)

"They're not gonna do that."

"I don't know, Mell. They're making plans now."

"Even the morons Cheney hired to manage the economy are not that stupid."

(silence)

"Backseat himself, though... I'm not so sure, captain. I love how the lesson he took away from Reagan was that deficits don't matter. Clearly, Mr. Yale Dropout never traded in the bond market."

"There you go, Mell."

"And what's with his wife writing all that lesbian cowgirl porn? Seriously, is the whole fucking Republican Party run by a bunch of closeted homos?"

"Ha, Mell."

"Since I went to Yale, I guess I know the fucking answer. Yes, yes, yes."

"Ha, ha. Jesus."

"Maybe next time we can nominate a candidate for President who doesn't admit he knows nothing about the economy. Or are we trying to lose this election by Mondale-like proportions?"

"Tell me about it, Mell. McCain's 30 bid now."

"That's another one of your great trades, captain."

"Just..."

"Billy, no. I'm not doing it."

"Come on, Kate."

"I'm not calling Felicity."

"Prune told me he hasn't been eating the last couple days."

"Look, Billy. They're not together anymore.  What's she supposed to do?  She's not even the one getting married."

"I think it could really help him to talk to her."

"It's not like this is the first time a girl gets married and her weirdo stalker goes crazy."

"He's not a stalker, Kate. Come on. That's not fair."

"Billy, look.  I'm sorry he's sad..."

"Not sad. Depressed.  That's what the doctor said."

"OK. I'm sorry Melancholy's depressed. But the world doesn't revolve around him, ok? He needs to learn to grow up."

(silence)

"I should probably go back up there this weekend."

"No way, Billy."

(silence)

(silence)

"Melancholy. It's always about Melancholy. Look what he's done to you and Harry, Billy. And don't get me started on Prune. That poor girl needs to get away from him."

"I have to go up there, Kate."

(silence)

"This is so sad to see what you've become, Billy. Melancholy is..."

"Let's not fight anymore, please?"

"He's a vulture, Billy. An emotional vulture.  He just swoops down whenever he wants and feeds on all the innocent people around him."

"When are you coming home?"

"He's in bad shape."

"When are you coming home?"

"I don't think..."

"Billy."

(silence)

"We're trying to find the doctor, but he took, like, the whole week off. He's sailing in the Mediterranean or something."

"His wife must like that."

"Don't do that."

(silence)

"Penny won't stop crying. She doesn't want to go back to bed."

"Kate..."

"It's because she knows her father is not here. I'm sorry Melancholy is so unhappy, but your wife and daughter need you at home."

"Look, just go up to Newport without me and I'll..."

"What?"

(silence)

"I'll try to be there in time for the barbecue. Saturday, the latest."

(silence)

"He's unbelievable."

(silence)

"I can't believe you're putting him above us."

"He's my best friend, Kate. What am I supposed to do?"

"You're not supposed to do anything, Billy. Just because you went to the same middle school together doesn't make you his mother."

"Saturday. Promise."

"I don't understand why you still drag him around with you. He's so selfish. That's why those girls leave him."

"I promised, ok?"

(silence)

"He's just taking advantage of you, you know that, right? You're too nice to him."

"Just another day. Maybe two."

(silence)

"I don't believe it. He's a bigger baby than Penny. And she's only six months old."

"She's getting married, captain."

"Mell?"

"Married."

"Jesus, Mell. You sound like shit."

"Married."

"Who's getting married?"

(silence)

"Mell, what the hell are you talking about? She just broke up with you..."

"Not Felicity."

(silence)

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"I'm coming up on the next train."

(silence)

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"Fuck you, Mell."

(silence)

"Married."

"Do you hear me? I will fucking kill you myself. You better not even be thinking about it. Next train, Mell. I'm coming up."

(silence)

(silence)

"Mell, please."

(silence)

(silence)

"I'll be there soon."

"Where's the floor in Citi, captain?"

"Jesus, Mell. Ugly, isn't it?"

"You can sure pick 'em."

(silence)

"Maybe I should go into farming, Mell. This business is killing..."

"You gonna top tick the wheat market, now? Congratulations. You just called the top in commodities."

"Maybe I'll drive a truck."

"Sitting on your ass and staring at a computer all day hardly qualifies you to drive a truck, captain. That's real work you're talking about."

"The market is starting to scare me, Mell. Have you heard of the Automatic Earth? Let me read this to you. It's frightening stuff. The guy says "I find it interesting to see people starting to understand that we are entering the mother of all deflations, and all the talk of inflation is not worth the paper it’s printed on. As US home prices plunge, homes become more expensive to buy. Think about that one."

(silence)

"I don't get it, captain. Of course, I studied ancient Greek in college. Something useful, unlike economics."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I had to ask Mumbai to explain how that would work."

"What'd he say?"

"Honestly, Mell, I didn't really understand. You know, trading isn't about any of that."

"That's for sure. As Mr. Black Swan says, frying an egg is harder than buying or selling stocks.  And captain, lemme tell you, I know that one from experience."

"You okay, captain?"

"Jesus, Mell. Brutal week."

"Where's the VIX?"

"Came in today."

(silence)

"No bottom yet, I guess. I don't know, Mell. This is a tough market."

"Well, if the Fed can't figure out what the fuck they're gonna do, I'm not surprised the market's tanking. They should just make up their fucking mind and stop playing games."

"You still like the dollar here, Mell? Looks like it's trying to get back to 1.60 against the euro."

"Fuck it, captain. I give up. I'd get long the December Fed futures. Still pricing in at least one hike."

"Tough market."

"You know, captain, Senator Aiken once said we should declare victory and leave Vietnam. Maybe we can just declare capitulation and get a bottom in the market.  Who gives a shit what the VIX is saying."

"I gotta go on vacation, Mell."

"Sell in May and go away."

"It's gonna be a nasty summer, Mell."

"Care to bet on oil?"

"Over under?"

"170."

"I'll take the over, Mell."

"By year end? Me too, captain."

"Captain..."

"Can't talk, Mell. Market is shitting its bed this morning."

"You really ought to be a writer, cap. Your metaphors are so vivid."

"Seriously, Mell. Can I call you back?"

"Just wanted to thank you for getting me into Citi."

(silence)

"Yeah, Mell..."

"Normally, I try to buy stocks that are going up. You know, stocks that show earnings growth."

(silence)

"But it's important to have new experiences, I guess."

(silence)

"New experiences, Mell? Like prostate..."

"Play nice, captain. Play nice."

"Mell, you still Chinesed that spread?"

"Spent all my cash in Japan, captain."

"Looks like Yahoo might break twenty, you see that?"

"Captain, I saw that one coming a mile away. I'm short all the Asian geeks. Guys like Jerry are so fucking used to rejection, they expect to lose."

"Jesus."

(silence)

"What the hell are they gonna do, Mell?"

"I know she's a terrible manager and all, but I always had a soft spot for Carly. Bring her in."

"Is that what we're calling it now? Soft spot?"

"Maybe not so soft."

"Ha. Oh man."

"McCain seems to be loading up on the hard blondes. His second wife, Carly, Meg. I wouldn't be surprised if Christy fucking Whitman gets on board soon. Anything to attract the Hill-Billy supporters."

"You think so, Mell?

"Either that or McCain's got a little Clinton in 'em."

"No way."

"Well, I don't want to judge, captain, but cheating on your first wife 'cause she got busted up in a car accident isn't exactly Medal of Honor behavior. Even that nitwit Ross Perot gets it."

"I think he's got a good chance, though."

"Captain, are you saying..."

"How much, Mell?"

"No odds?"

"For you, straight up."

"How about three and a half?"

(silence)

"Thousand, Mell? You sure?"

"Trillion. Three and a half trillion dollars."

(silence)

"Uh, Mell, I don't think even the Chinese have that many dollars in foreign currency reserves. How are we gonna settle up?"

"Not US dollars, captain. Zimbabwean dollars. It's like thirty-five billion to one."

"Mell, you back tomorrow?"

"Captain, I gotta go home.  Everyone is too fucking polite here.  I can't take a shit without someone bowing to me.  I miss the barbarism of America."

"But the women..."

(silence)

"Yes, well..."

(silence)

"You know, captain. I do have one regret now that the Hill-Billy is out."

"Mell. Don't..."

"I think Slick would have made a great First Lady."

(silence)

"Well, I mean, he has more of a feminine side than..."

"Jesus."

"He does that weepy, hangdog thing so well. You know, the Mister Sad Eyes, Sensitive Man routine. Women love that."

"The sushi's been getting to you, Mell."

"The country needs a warm mother."

(silence)

"I don't know about hangdog, Mell. Horndog, maybe. And I don't want to think that about my mother."

"Robert fucking Novak? Are you kidding me?"

"I don't know, Mell. The article sounds convincing."

"The guy said in August that the Fed was on hold."

"Well..."

"Tell me when Grep Ip of the Journal has something to say about the Fed. Novak is a political hack."

"Come on, Mell."

"The Prince of fucking Darkness."

"The market's baked in like two hikes this year. That's a little bold, Mell."

"Whatever, captain. I have more faith in the US dollar than any fucking invention by the war criminal Nazis and the surrender monkeys."

"Jesus."

"Novak should stick to what he's good at. If he has another CIA agent to out, then I'll listen to him."