The Melancholy Korean

“i need to talk to you.”

“Are you drunk?”

“Nicky, I need to talk to you.”

“What’s up, Sweet Cheeks? You wet your bed?”

“I had a dream I was sailing in Cape Cod with Mitt Romney.”

(silence)

(silence)

(silence)

“You need to get out more, Cupcake.”

“No, wait.”

“No, Butter Fingers, you wait. You wanna talk about dreams? I had one about a couple of Brazilian whores and this huge snake…”

“Christ, Nicky. Just listen for a sec.”

“If you’re gonna get all homo on me, Buddy Boy, I’m gonna get a drink myself.”

“Sybil was on the boat, too.”

(silence)

“Much better.”

“Romney kept asking her who enjoyed sex more, men or women.”

“He should have asked her if the sky was blue.”

“Christ, Nicky. Could you just listen?”

“I gotta bad feeling about this, Cupcake. Just listen to mine. These two broads were naked, just laid out on my bed, ready for the taking, and then this huge snake, it must’ve been the size of…”

“Do you want to know what she said?”

“Keep it clean.  None of that homo Mormon shit.”

“Nicky, you’ll like it.”

“I’m all ears, Doc.”

”Out of ten parts, a man enjoys only one.”

(silence)

“Then she made Romney go blind, and he started screaming like a stuck pig. I had to push him out of the way to get to the steering wheel thing, it was like one of those America’s Cup yachts, Nicky, the boat was so big, and then I realized we weren’t on the Cape at all. We were on a river.”

(silence)

“Swear to Christ, I started bawling like a baby. Because I knew it wasn’t any river.”

(silence)

“It was the river Styx, Nicky, and we were sailing straight to hell.”