The Melancholy Korean

“A pretty girl like you should have a boyfriend.”

“Sir, I don’t think…”

“Aw, I’m not trying to embarrass you, Dollface. I’m just saying there’s lots of guys who would love to take you out, if you give ‘em a chance.”

(silence)

“Melancholy isn’t feeling well enough to take your call, sir.”

“Tell that Sally Mae to get his ass on the phone, or I’ll come up there and cut off his balls myself.”

(silence)

(silence)

(silence)

“Christ, Nicky. Do me a favor, ok?  Don’t talk about balls around Prune. She’s a nice girl.”

“Hey, Cupcake, it’s nice to fucking talk to you, too. It’s been a long time. How’s your wife and kids? You know what I mean?  Some manners you got.”

“Look, Nicky. She’s an old-fashioned girl. She’s not used to barbarians like you. I mean, I wake up this morning, to what? Prune telling me you’re gonna cut off my balls. Just like that, word for word.  Is this Jesse Jackson on the phone?”

“No offense intended, Funny Guy, but you sure there’s something for me to cut off?”

“Fuck off, Nicky.”

“How long you gonna cry about that slut, Kit-Kat, or whatever her name is? How many more years you gonna let Prune hang around, waiting for you to notice her?”

“Christ.”

“When did you cut your nuts off again? ‘Cause I think I must’ve missed that party.”

“You’ve unbelievable.”

“Now, you tell me something, Mister-I-Know-Fifteen-Languages-That-No-One-Speaks-Anymore. How come you don’t ask that nice girl Prune out? What’s that, Buttercup?”

(silence)

“I can’t believe nothing has ever happened between you two. Not even once. Some late night, she’s hanging around, a little too much to drink, maybe you’re in the kitchen together…”

(silence)

“If you’re not careful, Cupcake, one of these days some guy’s gonna make the move, and then where will you be?  Up that shit creek, that’s where.”

“I can’t believe I’m listening to this.”

“Believe it, Sweetie. ‘Cause it’s gonna happen, sooner than you think.  She likes you, but she isn’t gonna wait forever, you know?  Some guy’s gonna snatch her right up and…”

“Leave her the fuck alone, Nicky.”

(silence)

“You’re right, Cupcake.  I mean, you don’t have any balls, anyway.  What would be the point.”

(silence… then laughter)

”Stimulatus ibi furente rabie, vagus animis,

devolsit ili acuto sibi pondera silice…”

“What, you cussing at me in French now?”

“Latin, Nicky. It’s from a poem you’ll like. About a guy who cuts off his balls to worship a goddess.”

(silence)

“You know, Cupcake, it still amazes me you paid good money to study that shit in college.”